Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships

Have you ever thought that your or your partner’s attachment style might be affecting your relationship? Well, let’s work together to understand attachment styles in the context of relationships.

Attachment styles are generally dependent on each one’s childhood experiences and generally fall into 4 categories – a secure attachment, insecure-anxious, insecure-avoidant and disorganised. Here’s what those different attachments are and what they mean in relationships:

• A secure attachment: This is what is considered the ‘ideal’ attachment. People with this attachment style had a secure attachment to their parent/caregiver meaning that they were able to communicate openly and to consistently rely on them. For example, when sad, the child was able to express this to parent knowing that they would achieve a predictably supportive response. When happy, their parent/caregiver was able to celebrate with them. Ultimately, when the child expressed an emotion, parent/caregiver was able to match them, provide them with what they needed and were generally consistent. Parent-child lines were barely crossed, meaning that parent was mostly able to maintain their parental role while child was mostly able to act in child-like ways and maintain responsibilities which corresponded to their capabilities and age.
• What this means for future relationships: As a partner, people with this attachment style are loving and trusting. They are able to regulate their emotions and respond in proportion to reality of whatever situation they may come across. For example, if the other partner is upset, one with this attachment style is able to empathise and respond calmly and helpfully without becoming entangled in the emotion. They are able to communicate effectively and seek emotional support when needed. They are also able to self-reflect in relationships and be easy to connect with. All in all, these things put together will lead an individual with this attachment style to have a healthy high self-esteem and positive outlook of relationships.

• An anxious-insecure attachment: this is the first of the insecure attachment styles. In this style, the parent of one with this attachment was likely to give an unpredictable response to their child’s needs. For example, a parent may be understanding and willing to listen when child is upset but then another time, give a negative reaction such as scolding the child. As such, the child learns that it is unpreditable and therefore unsafe to approach parent. In this type of attachment, child may continue to seek out parent but then become angry and push attention away even when desired type of attention is acquired.
• What this means for romantic relationships: those with this type of attachment style are likely to be untrusting and display behaviour that appears to be clingy and will expect their partner to be able to soothe them in times of distress but may also appear resentful when given the attention they themselves have sought for. This is particularly the case if the partner is also inconsistent or if they give support in a way that is not precisely what is sought after by their anxious partner. They are likely to constantly seek partner’s validation and have difficulty being along.

• An avoidant-insecure attachment: In this type of attachment, dismissal of child’s bids for emotional connection is likely. Through this, the child generally learns to not seek comfort from parent and instead look to minimise their emotions in order as to require affection from others.
• What this means for future relationships: As an adult in their relationships they may display hyper-independency, avoiding seeking out help from partner in fear that their needs will not be met. They generally avoid expressing emotions and will in turn also minimise the feelings of their partner. Though they may desire affection, the may show little interest or resistant behaviour when finally receiving it. They are likely to be untrusting. They are likely to be more comfortable spending time alone rather than interacting with others. It may be difficult for them to reach any real depth in relationships and will avoid emotional closeness. They may dismiss partners and engage in stonewalling behaviour, delaying uncomfortable talks and responding to partner when situation feels too serious or refusing to answer questions by being evasive.

• A disorganised attachment: This attachment style is possibly one of the least understood and the one that is talked about the least. With this attachment style, the child views caretakers as the source of fear and comfort at the same time. Parent is chaotically unpredictable in their responses towards child. This kind of attachment can present itself as seemingly both avoidant and anxious attachment styles. In one instance, child can display insecure-avoidant behaviours and in another, insecure anxious behaviours. This attachment stems can stem from abuse or neglect and has a high potentiality towards mental health issues such as personality disorders, severe anxiety and suicidal tendencies.
• What this means for future relationships: As a partner, an individual with this attachment style may lack emotional regulation and is likely to go through bouts of seeking to be extremely close to partner and other bouts of wanting to push partner away. They may look to partner for safety and to fulfill emotional needs while at the same time, not trusting the partner to fulfill their needs and/or not feel worthy of fulfillment. This pattern can persist throughout the entirety of the relationship causing distance and a persistent lack of trust. Typically, individuals with this attachment style are likely to be suspicious of others’ intentions, even when good intentions are continuously proven. Furthermore, they may be resistant to cultivating secure relationships thereby maintaining the cycle of seeking closeness with partner and then pushing away partner due to lack of trust.

If you would like to learn more about yours or your partner’s attachment style you can use our contact page to get in touch with us.

We wish you a happy and healthy relationship!